the actuaries

The formula is easy: x + y = z, where x is a variable that represents sexual taste, y is a variable that represents the nature of ones interest in another, and z is the sum, or outcome of combining x and y. Now, should we ascribe a different EROTIC TASTE to each whole number, the set of possible values for x is 0 thru ∞. And if we ascribe one particular type of PERSONAL INVOLVEMENT to its own whole number and continue thusly for the entire range of possible human intimacies, the set of allowable values for y is also 0 thru ∞. As z represents the sum of the two variables, the possible range of outcomes should also be 0 thru ∞.

When it comes to intimacy and eros in general, however, we are actuaries all. We are statisticians who calculate insurance premiums versus risks, dividends, and annuities. As such we cannot allow just any value to be inserted for x. y is also no exception and must be severely constrained.

In order to constrain the variables in ways appropriate to our role as actuaries in love, intimacy, physical interaction, eros, and the like, we need a subset of equations that allow us to determine what the acceptable versus possible values are for each variable. Let the ACCEPTABLE VALUES of x be represented by the variable a. The method for calculating a is as follows: let a = x/x – 1/n, where n represents the number of times an opportunity to become intimate with a person of the same gender would have to arise before the individual being actuated is likely to act on it. As such n is any whole number in the set [1, ∞). This formula for determining a allows us to insert for x any of the infinite values that represent erotic taste but restricts the outcome to a number between 0 and 1 where 0 represents the norm or zero point, also known as heterosexual, and 1 represents the binary opposite, also known as homosexual. Since n can take on any whole number value [1, ∞), we leave open the possibility that the allowable value for x can fall somewhere between 0 and 1.

Finally, we need to be able to determine acceptable values for y. Let the ACCEPTABLE VALUES of y be represented by the variable b. The method for calculating b is as follows: let b = y⁰ ± 1. The appropriate operator is determined by whether or not the person of interest for the individual being actuated triggers a clear reflexive indicator that he or she is desirable as a sexual partner. If the person of interest triggers the sex reflex, the top operator (+) is used. If not then the bottom operator (-) is used. As with x, we can choose any of the infinite ways that two people can interact and plug in the appropriate value for y. The outcome, however, has now been restricted to only two possible values: zero or two, where zero represents the category generally referred to as platonic and two represents the category generally referred to as romantic.

As successful actuaries, we have thusly reduced an infinite range of interactions based on the myriad of roles that one person can play with regard to another and the ways that personal intimacy might enter into such a relationship to a minuscule range of possibilities. Furthermore, we need not wait for an actual interaction with another human being. As experts in the field of actuating, we predetermine the value for x without the need of complications such as context. Similarly, we use a predetermined set of criteria to determine the appropriate operator to use in calculating an allowable value for y. Again this enables us to ignore context and particulars and quickly deduce the value of z in any given situation.